Swimming upstream

The life of a wild Pacific salmon isn't easy. But, let's just say that the little fry manages to dodge all the hazards of adolescence, and doesn't become a happy-meal for some other hungry fish. Let's say our little salmon grows up, escapes the fisherman's hook or net, gets into a good "school", lands a stable job and finds the salmon-spouse of his or her dreams. What next? Mr. and Mrs. Salmon will make an arduous pilgrimage back to their birthplace, swimming upstream, where they will eventually have kids, and then die.

The whole "swimming upstream" thing really sets these salmon apart. Are they crazy? I wonder if the other creatures in the river just look at these fish wanting to scream, "You're going the wrong way!" Yet, it's precisely because they are swimming in the opposite direction, bringing with them precious nutrients that are otherwise lost as materials float downstream, that they are able to help sustain the river and the entire ecosystem.

Amazing, isn't it? You can read more in this month's National Geographic. The crucial contribution of these wild and crazy, going-the-wrong way salmon is mind-boggling.

We could learn alot from these fish. After all, following Jesus is a little like swimming up steam. The life of a disciple of Christ doesn't always "go with the flow." It's easy for us to be pulled downstream, and soon enough we look just like any other fish in the sea. This happens in our marriages too.

Here are some practical areas where we can consider swimming upstream:

1. Tithe of your time, your talents and your treasure. Name some ways you can do this together.
Matt 6:3-4

2. Start the process of forgiveness. Ask for help in releasing someone from what s/he "owes" you or someone else.
Matt 6:14-15

3. Make a list of things about which you worry. Transform it into a prayer-list and give a copy to your spouse. Together, seek God's will for your worries.
Matt 6:25-34

4. Find areas where you are critical of others. Is it how your boss treats you? Is it how your neighbor gossips? Is it something in a church-leader's marriage? Is it the type of car your friend drives? Is it what your mom said to you at the family BBQ? Now find examples of this in your own life.
Matt 7:1-5

READ: THE BEATITUDES; MATTHEW 5:3-12


QUESTIONS:

1. What's the difference between blessedness and happiness?

2. How can we practically apply some these teachings to our lives? To our marriages? What difference would this make?

3. Describe how you and your spouse are currently living out at least one of these principles. Talk about an area of blessedness into which you would like to grow or develop.

4. How are these declarations of blessedness like swimming upstream? Is Jesus saying something that is counter to today's culture? If so, why is "the world" likely to see the Beatitudes as "going the wrong way"?

5. How would a lifestyle and marriage that displays these truths impact others? Would other "fish in the sea" benefit? Would the entire ecosystem in which we live be affected?

Hold the phone

One time during a very intense conversation (okay, argument), I said to Gary, "I just don't think we're on the same page morally." At the time I thought I was being helpful, tactful (you should have heard what I really wanted to say), and simply just telling him the truth.

I quickly learned that he didn't appreciate my attempt at "keeping it real" because I suddenly heard dead air on the end of the line. It was the second time in his life that Gary had hung up on someone.

The problem was that my words were like a sword piercing his heart. I had disrespected him, and attacked his character and integrity.

I thought I was just sharing my feelings, and politely saying that we parted ways on this particular issue. But, I realized that implying that Gary was "less moral", or even "immoral" wasn't truth-telling, it was hurt-telling. See, deep-down I was hurt, but I just couldn't, or wouldn't say so. I was trying to win the argument instead of trying to win my husband's heart.

If I could get a do-over, here is what I would say instead:

"I feel really hurt because of ..."
"I'm scared that if you do ________ that I will be _________(resentful, embarrassed, jealous)."
"Help me understand why you see things the way you do."

Here are some practical tips for telling the truth:
1. Share the truth about how you feel.
Feelings: sad, mad, scared, guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, happy, nervous, excited

2. Ask an open-ended question that elicits the truth:
Questions: who, what, where, when, why, how (but not "How can you do this to me"-- you get the idea)

Who can pray for us?
What is the most important thing about this particular issue to you?
Where did we start to go off-track?
When can we talk about this again?
Why did my comment hurt you?
How can I be the biggest help for you in this?

3. Bite your tongue. What might feel like truth-telling, might be hurt-telling. Ask yourself, "Is what I'm about to say intended to heal or intended to hurt?"

READ: PROVERBS 12:17-19
He who speaks truth tells what is right, but a false witness, deceit. There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Truthful lips will be established forever, but a lying tongue is only for a moment.

QUESTIONS:
1. Talk about the statement "the truth hurts." How can this be both good and bad for communication in marriage?
2. Do you agree that speaking rashly is like a thrust of a sword? Why or why not?
3. How can we bring healing with our words? Is it possible to do this during an argument? Give examples of healing/comforting words.
4. Is lying about how you feel, really a lie?
5. Do you think a lying tongue is only "for a moment". Are there some lies that are never found out? Is there anything we can really hide or conceal forever? Does the truth always have to come out?

Marriage on Earth

For my birthday last week, Gary took me to see the Disney movie, “Earth.” It was amazing, breathtaking and thought-provoking. In the beginning, James Earl Jones describes how our planet is uniquely able to support life because of its invisible axis, which is perfectly tilted at 23.45° in its orbit around the sun. The film beautifully depicts the four corners of the globe throughout all four seasons, and captures some of our planet’s most interesting and fascinating creatures. Many scenes show the humor and folly of the babies, who must learn tough lessons about “growing up.” The narrative also includes the hardships and journeys of three families: a humpback whale and her calf, a pod of elephants, and a polar bear family (including adorable twin-baby bears).

One of “Earth’s” many take-aways is that we’re all part of something much bigger than our own individual lives, marriages, families, schools, jobs, or countries of origin. What I do and how I live affects a greater whole. And so it is with the church. Our lives are individually AND collectively built on the Rock, which is uniquely able to support (eternal) life because of its axis that is perfectly tilted on the Cross of Christ. As Christians, we experience hardships, joys and everything in between, as we grow-up into the fullness of Christ. Yet, sometimes it is easy to get caught up in our own lives and forget that we are part of something much bigger. For example, our gifts, our marriages, our families, are necessary parts of a bigger whole, and play an important role in the building up of Christ’s church.

Here are some practical ways to consider your marriage as it relates to the church:

1. Define your marriage mission statement. How has God uniquely equipped you and your spouse for the building up of His church? For example, fill in the blank, “As for me and my house we will serve the Lord by ___________.”
a) Consider discussing and/or praying with your spouse over your marriage mission statement on a regular basis.
2. Name at least one person, place or thing that is affected by your marriage. Who or what depends on you and your spouse? Describe how.
a) Commit to praying with your spouse for this person, place or thing for a specific period of time.
3. Step outside your comfort zone.
a) Talk about one way you and your spouse can stay connected and serve God’s people that might be a little “scary.”

READ: Ephesians 4:14-16
As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love.

QUESTIONS:
1. Talk about the “waves”, “every wind of doctrine”, “trickery of men” and “craftiness in deceitful scheming”. If we use Paul’s imagery and apply it to marriage, what types of things could throw us off course?
2. What does Paul mean by “speaking the truth in love”? How does this apply to being connected and held together in the body of Christ?
3. How does a healthy, thriving marriage build up the body? How does a troubled marriage impact the body? Am I affected by either?
4. When one part of the body is suffering, how can I get involved to help? Should I get involved, or should I mind my own business?

Say Anything

When Gary and I were first dating, I lived with my roommate, Beth, in a four-story brick apartment building on the East Side. On each floor there was a small balcony that overlooked the car-lined street of Summit Avenue. One night Gary called and told me to come outside to my second floor balcony. As I opened the french doors, there he stood-- donned in a trench coat that covered his folded-up jean shorts and t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. The headlights from his Plymouth Laser cast a long shadow of him on the lawn, standing with a boom box over his head and Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" blasting from the speakers.

It was 1997, and Gary was my Lloyd Dobler, the character from the 80s romantic comedy, "Say Anything". Even if you've never seen the movie, it's not hard to imagine that at that point of our dating relationship Gary really could have said anything to me, and vice versa. We would have thought it was the smartest, most clever, and kindest thing any human being could utter. It was a little easier then-- we didn't have a joint checking account to discuss, we didn't have the responsibilities of a house, and socks left on the floor or dirty dishes in the sink were a non-issue (we didn't even have GOOGLE!)

Sometimes now it's not so easy. Maybe when we talk about work, finances, which TV to buy, or household chores, we should plug in his MP3 player and launch the Peter Gabriel play list.

So, how do we continue to build our communication in marriage? Should we really be able to "say anything", or is that just some romantic myth from the movies? What happens when we don't agree, or when the things that we need to talk about are difficult?

Here are some ways we've found that help us to say anything to each other:

1. Be polite. How would you say to a stranger, you boss, or your pastor, what you're about to say to your spouse?
2. Be truthful. Telling the truth doesn't mean yelling the truth.
3. Be quiet. Sometimes we can say what needs to be said without words. St. Francis of Assisi said, "Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary use words". Say what you need to say with a hug, a hand on the shoulder or a encouraging nod.
4. Be in prayer. You can even pray while you're talking to your spouse. Yes, you really *can* do two things at once.
5. Be in Christ. How can you serve your spouse in this conversation? (Ask your spouse: What do you need from me? How can I help?) How can you sacrifice in this conversation? (Ask yourself: Am I trying to win an argument, win the point, or win my spouse?)

READ: COLOSSIANS 3: 8- 17
But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him- a renewal in which there is no distinction between Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave and freeman, but Christ is all, and in all. So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom and teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.

QUESTIONS:

1. What does "saying anything" mean to you? Can we really say anything to each other in Christian marriage? If yes, how should we "say anything"?
2. How do these two statements differ:
a) "I just say whatever is on my mind."
b) "I am free to say anything in my marriage."
3. How does an attitude of thankfulness influence our communication in marriage?
4. Why is it important to let the word of Christ dwell in us? How does this affect what we say to each other?
5. Talk about one verse in the above passage and how you can practically apply it to improve communication in your marriage.

Marriage Stadium

On one of our first dates, Gary took me to a baseball game. I remember that the Brewers played the Boston Red Sox. The scary thing is that it wasn't an "interleague" game. Back then, the Brewers were in the American League and they played at County Stadium (Are we old or what?)

Shortly after we were married, Milwaukee County Stadium was demolished and work began on Miller Park. Every day as I drove past the ballpark on my way to work, I glanced at the big digital sign that kept track of the number of days until the completion date. Monday: 200 days, Tuesday: 199 days, Wednesday: 198 days... You get the point. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. After all the years in an old and out-dated stadium, it was hard to be patient for the new one to be finished. Brewers fans eagerly anticipated the new field and updated seating, the retractable roof, open-air patios, better parking, and the new shops and restaurants.

Sometimes it can be hard to wait. We all know how hard it is to be patient as we anticipate our wedding day. We think about all the exciting things the new ballpark called "Marriage Stadium" will bring: Getting to wake up next to our spouse every day, having her/him there to greet us when we come home from work, cuddling up in front of the tv at night, or finally getting to use all those cool things from the wedding registry!

However, even after "opening day", we are all still technically "under construction". What God does after we each say "I do" is miraculous and mysterious. It's as if He knocks down the old stadiums that housed our individual, private and single lives, and He begins the process of building something new and better. Each person must learn to make adjustments to shared life in the new ballpark, and playing on the same team. "Marriage Stadium" takes a lifetime to build.

Here are some practical examples of things that take time to construct, especially in the first years of marriage:
1. Worship: How and when will we pray or read the Bible together?
2. Lifestyle: Will we go to bed together at the same time?
3. Hospitality: How often should we entertain guests and how will we do it (dinner parties, game-night, or just "hanging-out")?
4. Finance: How much money will we spend on decorating? On electronics?

READ: Hebrews 3:4 For every house is built by someone, but the builder of all things is God.
Habakkuk 2:2-3 Then the LORD answered me and said, "Record the vision and inscribe it on tablets, that the one who reads it may run. For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay.

QUESTIONS:
1. Did you think Marriage Stadium would be complete after your wedding day? Were there any surprises of things that needed to be demolished and rebuilt during your first few months together?
2. What areas of your marriage are still "under construction"? What does God want to build in your lives right now?
3. Discuss what do you think God's vision for your marriage is? Write it down.

Your first love

As you can tell, it has been a while since my last post. I wish I could say that during this time I was doing something inspiring, like volunteering at the library, serving at the humane society, or organizing the junk-drawer in the kitchen. Instead, during the time I normally set-aside for writing, I've exercised, read some books, downloaded music, talked on the phone, and watched TV. It isn't that these things are wrong or bad, but I got a little lazy, and more than a little distracted from some of the things I love most. When Gary and I first started this project of writing a marriage devotional book, I was SO excited. I couldn't wait to get up and write. Serving God and ministering alongside pre-married and married couples with my husband is one of my greatest passions. So what happened over the past 46 days?

I lost a bit of my first love.

After the newness and excitement wore off, what remained were the tasks of journaling, studying the Bible, and transforming Gary's and my notes into something worth reading. So what happened to my enthusiasm for the Scriptures, story-telling and practical applications for marriage?

I lost a bit of my first love.

Losing your first love can unfortunately be easy to do. When something isn't as exciting as it used to be, we become neglectful, or worse, we look for something else with which to replace it. But what happens if we do this in our relationships? When we lose our first love with our spouse or spouse-to-be we stop doing the things we did at first. Sometimes we start to take each other for granted and wrongly assume our spouse knows of our love and gratitude. We can become neglectful and begin to think of ourselves first. Our spouse's wants, needs and desires start to become secondary to our wishes.

Here are some simple ways to restore and rekindle your first love:

1. Leave love-notes, send emails or text messages, or make a quick phone call just to say "hi".
2. Say "I love you", "Thank you" or "I am sorry." Say these things often.
3. Ask your spouse how she she wants spend free-time this weekend. Ask your spouse what he wants to watch on TV.
4. Make time to give (or receive) a 5 minute back rub.
5. Offer to do a household chore that your spouse normally does.

The Lord Jesus spoke to the Church in Ephesus about losing their first love. You will notice that He was not talking about marriage in these verses. Yet, Jesus gives us at least three practical steps for us to take when we find ourselves forsaking our first love. See if you can find them.
READ: Revelation 2:3-7
"You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lamp stand from its place."

QUESTIONS:
1. Describe the first thing that you noticed about your spouse? What initially attracted you to her/him?
2. When did you first say "I love you"? Talk about the time and place when you knew that she or he was "the one".
3. What is it about remembering that helps to restore our first love?
4. What role does repentance play in marriage?
5. Name at least one way that you can refresh or restore the "things you did at first".

Who am I?

In the middle of a vigouros discussion (ok, it was probably an argument), Gary stopped talking, grabbed his jeans, pulled his driver's license out and held it up for me.

"What's this?" I said.
"Who is this on the license?" he asked.
"What are you talking about?"
"What is the name on the license?" he prodded.
"I don't get it."
"It says Gary Loop. It's me. It's your husband. I'm not someone from your past. You're not in trouble. It's me."

We were having an argument because I misunderstood what he was saying. I don't even remember what we were talking about. But, I recall thinking that he was acting like someone from my past that I didn't like very much. Once I began operating on this faulty assumption, I wrongly assigned motives to Gary, and concluded that he was trying to intentionally hurt me. It became very easy for me to tune out what he was saying to me, to stop listening to him, and to completely misunderstand our entire conversation.

Have you ever been misunderstood? Have you ever had an argument with your spouse over something that you both later discovered was a misunderstanding? Did you say things like, "I didn't mean it that way", or "You took it the wrong way!"

One of the reasons we are prone to misunderstand our spouse is because we often jump to conclusions, assign motives, ignore the context in which something is said, or filter what we hear through our individual backgrounds and previous experiences.

Here are some things to do to avoid misunderstandings:
1. Get clarification: "What I think I heard you say is...Is that right?"
2. Paraphrase what you heard: "When you said XYZ, did you mean...?"
3. Discover intentions: "Help me understand what you were thinking when you said..."

Asking questions can often help when you find yourself having a "vigorous discussion" over something you know is really a misunderstanding. You may even try Gary's little trick, and pull out your driver's license! Find your own unique and special ways to remind your spouse that you love them, and that you want what is best for them, and that her/his well-being is more important to you than being "properly understood."

READ: Mark 8:27-29 Jesus went out, along with his disciples, to the villages of Caesarea Philippi; and on the way He questioned His disciples, saying to them, "Who do people say that I am?" They told Him, saying, "John the Baptist; and others say Elijah; but others, one of the prophets." And He continued by questioning them, "But who do you say that I am?" Peter answered and said to Him, "You are the Christ."

Questions:
1. Why do you think some of the people misunderstood Jesus' identity? Has something like this ever happened to you?

2. What role does a "mistaken identity" play in misunderstandings? Do you ever think your spouse is acting like someone else?

3. Describe the last misunderstanding you had with your spouse. Did it have anything to do with assigning the wrong motives?

4. What is so important about Peter's declaration? Who do you say that Jesus is?

5. Who do you say that your spouse is? Describe what this means.