Hold the phone

One time during a very intense conversation (okay, argument), I said to Gary, "I just don't think we're on the same page morally." At the time I thought I was being helpful, tactful (you should have heard what I really wanted to say), and simply just telling him the truth.

I quickly learned that he didn't appreciate my attempt at "keeping it real" because I suddenly heard dead air on the end of the line. It was the second time in his life that Gary had hung up on someone.

The problem was that my words were like a sword piercing his heart. I had disrespected him, and attacked his character and integrity.

I thought I was just sharing my feelings, and politely saying that we parted ways on this particular issue. But, I realized that implying that Gary was "less moral", or even "immoral" wasn't truth-telling, it was hurt-telling. See, deep-down I was hurt, but I just couldn't, or wouldn't say so. I was trying to win the argument instead of trying to win my husband's heart.

If I could get a do-over, here is what I would say instead:

"I feel really hurt because of ..."
"I'm scared that if you do ________ that I will be _________(resentful, embarrassed, jealous)."
"Help me understand why you see things the way you do."

Here are some practical tips for telling the truth:
1. Share the truth about how you feel.
Feelings: sad, mad, scared, guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, happy, nervous, excited

2. Ask an open-ended question that elicits the truth:
Questions: who, what, where, when, why, how (but not "How can you do this to me"-- you get the idea)

Who can pray for us?
What is the most important thing about this particular issue to you?
Where did we start to go off-track?
When can we talk about this again?
Why did my comment hurt you?
How can I be the biggest help for you in this?

3. Bite your tongue. What might feel like truth-telling, might be hurt-telling. Ask yourself, "Is what I'm about to say intended to heal or intended to hurt?"

READ: PROVERBS 12:17-19
He who speaks truth tells what is right, but a false witness, deceit. There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Truthful lips will be established forever, but a lying tongue is only for a moment.

QUESTIONS:
1. Talk about the statement "the truth hurts." How can this be both good and bad for communication in marriage?
2. Do you agree that speaking rashly is like a thrust of a sword? Why or why not?
3. How can we bring healing with our words? Is it possible to do this during an argument? Give examples of healing/comforting words.
4. Is lying about how you feel, really a lie?
5. Do you think a lying tongue is only "for a moment". Are there some lies that are never found out? Is there anything we can really hide or conceal forever? Does the truth always have to come out?