One time during a very intense conversation (okay, argument), I said to Gary, "I just don't think we're on the same page morally." At the time I thought I was being helpful, tactful (you should have heard what I really wanted to say), and simply just telling him the truth.
I quickly learned that he didn't appreciate my attempt at "keeping it real" because I suddenly heard dead air on the end of the line. It was the second time in his life that Gary had hung up on someone.
The problem was that my words were like a sword piercing his heart. I had disrespected him, and attacked his character and integrity.
I thought I was just sharing my feelings, and politely saying that we parted ways on this particular issue. But, I realized that implying that Gary was "less moral", or even "immoral" wasn't truth-telling, it was hurt-telling. See, deep-down I was hurt, but I just couldn't, or wouldn't say so. I was trying to win the argument instead of trying to win my husband's heart.
If I could get a do-over, here is what I would say instead:
"I feel really hurt because of ..."
"I'm scared that if you do ________ that I will be _________(resentful, embarrassed, jealous)."
"Help me understand why you see things the way you do."
Here are some practical tips for telling the truth:
1. Share the truth about how you feel.
Feelings: sad, mad, scared, guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, happy, nervous, excited
2. Ask an open-ended question that elicits the truth:
Questions: who, what, where, when, why, how (but not "How can you do this to me"-- you get the idea)
Who can pray for us?
What is the most important thing about this particular issue to you?
Where did we start to go off-track?
When can we talk about this again?
Why did my comment hurt you?
How can I be the biggest help for you in this?
3. Bite your tongue. What might feel like truth-telling, might be hurt-telling. Ask yourself, "Is what I'm about to say intended to heal or intended to hurt?"
READ: PROVERBS 12:17-19
He who speaks truth tells what is right, but a false witness, deceit. There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Truthful lips will be established forever, but a lying tongue is only for a moment.
QUESTIONS:
1. Talk about the statement "the truth hurts." How can this be both good and bad for communication in marriage?
2. Do you agree that speaking rashly is like a thrust of a sword? Why or why not?
3. How can we bring healing with our words? Is it possible to do this during an argument? Give examples of healing/comforting words.
4. Is lying about how you feel, really a lie?
5. Do you think a lying tongue is only "for a moment". Are there some lies that are never found out? Is there anything we can really hide or conceal forever? Does the truth always have to come out?
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Marriage on Earth
For my birthday last week, Gary took me to see the Disney movie, “Earth.” It was amazing, breathtaking and thought-provoking. In the beginning, James Earl Jones describes how our planet is uniquely able to support life because of its invisible axis, which is perfectly tilted at 23.45° in its orbit around the sun. The film beautifully depicts the four corners of the globe throughout all four seasons, and captures some of our planet’s most interesting and fascinating creatures. Many scenes show the humor and folly of the babies, who must learn tough lessons about “growing up.” The narrative also includes the hardships and journeys of three families: a humpback whale and her calf, a pod of elephants, and a polar bear family (including adorable twin-baby bears).
One of “Earth’s” many take-aways is that we’re all part of something much bigger than our own individual lives, marriages, families, schools, jobs, or countries of origin. What I do and how I live affects a greater whole. And so it is with the church. Our lives are individually AND collectively built on the Rock, which is uniquely able to support (eternal) life because of its axis that is perfectly tilted on the Cross of Christ. As Christians, we experience hardships, joys and everything in between, as we grow-up into the fullness of Christ. Yet, sometimes it is easy to get caught up in our own lives and forget that we are part of something much bigger. For example, our gifts, our marriages, our families, are necessary parts of a bigger whole, and play an important role in the building up of Christ’s church.
Here are some practical ways to consider your marriage as it relates to the church:
1. Define your marriage mission statement. How has God uniquely equipped you and your spouse for the building up of His church? For example, fill in the blank, “As for me and my house we will serve the Lord by ___________.”
a) Consider discussing and/or praying with your spouse over your marriage mission statement on a regular basis.
2. Name at least one person, place or thing that is affected by your marriage. Who or what depends on you and your spouse? Describe how.
a) Commit to praying with your spouse for this person, place or thing for a specific period of time.
3. Step outside your comfort zone.
a) Talk about one way you and your spouse can stay connected and serve God’s people that might be a little “scary.”
READ: Ephesians 4:14-16
As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love.
QUESTIONS:
1. Talk about the “waves”, “every wind of doctrine”, “trickery of men” and “craftiness in deceitful scheming”. If we use Paul’s imagery and apply it to marriage, what types of things could throw us off course?
2. What does Paul mean by “speaking the truth in love”? How does this apply to being connected and held together in the body of Christ?
3. How does a healthy, thriving marriage build up the body? How does a troubled marriage impact the body? Am I affected by either?
4. When one part of the body is suffering, how can I get involved to help? Should I get involved, or should I mind my own business?
One of “Earth’s” many take-aways is that we’re all part of something much bigger than our own individual lives, marriages, families, schools, jobs, or countries of origin. What I do and how I live affects a greater whole. And so it is with the church. Our lives are individually AND collectively built on the Rock, which is uniquely able to support (eternal) life because of its axis that is perfectly tilted on the Cross of Christ. As Christians, we experience hardships, joys and everything in between, as we grow-up into the fullness of Christ. Yet, sometimes it is easy to get caught up in our own lives and forget that we are part of something much bigger. For example, our gifts, our marriages, our families, are necessary parts of a bigger whole, and play an important role in the building up of Christ’s church.
Here are some practical ways to consider your marriage as it relates to the church:
1. Define your marriage mission statement. How has God uniquely equipped you and your spouse for the building up of His church? For example, fill in the blank, “As for me and my house we will serve the Lord by ___________.”
a) Consider discussing and/or praying with your spouse over your marriage mission statement on a regular basis.
2. Name at least one person, place or thing that is affected by your marriage. Who or what depends on you and your spouse? Describe how.
a) Commit to praying with your spouse for this person, place or thing for a specific period of time.
3. Step outside your comfort zone.
a) Talk about one way you and your spouse can stay connected and serve God’s people that might be a little “scary.”
READ: Ephesians 4:14-16
As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love.
QUESTIONS:
1. Talk about the “waves”, “every wind of doctrine”, “trickery of men” and “craftiness in deceitful scheming”. If we use Paul’s imagery and apply it to marriage, what types of things could throw us off course?
2. What does Paul mean by “speaking the truth in love”? How does this apply to being connected and held together in the body of Christ?
3. How does a healthy, thriving marriage build up the body? How does a troubled marriage impact the body? Am I affected by either?
4. When one part of the body is suffering, how can I get involved to help? Should I get involved, or should I mind my own business?
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Say Anything
When Gary and I were first dating, I lived with my roommate, Beth, in a four-story brick apartment building on the East Side. On each floor there was a small balcony that overlooked the car-lined street of Summit Avenue. One night Gary called and told me to come outside to my second floor balcony. As I opened the french doors, there he stood-- donned in a trench coat that covered his folded-up jean shorts and t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. The headlights from his Plymouth Laser cast a long shadow of him on the lawn, standing with a boom box over his head and Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" blasting from the speakers.
It was 1997, and Gary was my Lloyd Dobler, the character from the 80s romantic comedy, "Say Anything". Even if you've never seen the movie, it's not hard to imagine that at that point of our dating relationship Gary really could have said anything to me, and vice versa. We would have thought it was the smartest, most clever, and kindest thing any human being could utter. It was a little easier then-- we didn't have a joint checking account to discuss, we didn't have the responsibilities of a house, and socks left on the floor or dirty dishes in the sink were a non-issue (we didn't even have GOOGLE!)
Sometimes now it's not so easy. Maybe when we talk about work, finances, which TV to buy, or household chores, we should plug in his MP3 player and launch the Peter Gabriel play list.
So, how do we continue to build our communication in marriage? Should we really be able to "say anything", or is that just some romantic myth from the movies? What happens when we don't agree, or when the things that we need to talk about are difficult?
Here are some ways we've found that help us to say anything to each other:
1. Be polite. How would you say to a stranger, you boss, or your pastor, what you're about to say to your spouse?
2. Be truthful. Telling the truth doesn't mean yelling the truth.
3. Be quiet. Sometimes we can say what needs to be said without words. St. Francis of Assisi said, "Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary use words". Say what you need to say with a hug, a hand on the shoulder or a encouraging nod.
4. Be in prayer. You can even pray while you're talking to your spouse. Yes, you really *can* do two things at once.
5. Be in Christ. How can you serve your spouse in this conversation? (Ask your spouse: What do you need from me? How can I help?) How can you sacrifice in this conversation? (Ask yourself: Am I trying to win an argument, win the point, or win my spouse?)
READ: COLOSSIANS 3: 8- 17
But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him- a renewal in which there is no distinction between Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave and freeman, but Christ is all, and in all. So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom and teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.
QUESTIONS:
1. What does "saying anything" mean to you? Can we really say anything to each other in Christian marriage? If yes, how should we "say anything"?
2. How do these two statements differ:
a) "I just say whatever is on my mind."
b) "I am free to say anything in my marriage."
3. How does an attitude of thankfulness influence our communication in marriage?
4. Why is it important to let the word of Christ dwell in us? How does this affect what we say to each other?
5. Talk about one verse in the above passage and how you can practically apply it to improve communication in your marriage.
It was 1997, and Gary was my Lloyd Dobler, the character from the 80s romantic comedy, "Say Anything". Even if you've never seen the movie, it's not hard to imagine that at that point of our dating relationship Gary really could have said anything to me, and vice versa. We would have thought it was the smartest, most clever, and kindest thing any human being could utter. It was a little easier then-- we didn't have a joint checking account to discuss, we didn't have the responsibilities of a house, and socks left on the floor or dirty dishes in the sink were a non-issue (we didn't even have GOOGLE!)
Sometimes now it's not so easy. Maybe when we talk about work, finances, which TV to buy, or household chores, we should plug in his MP3 player and launch the Peter Gabriel play list.
So, how do we continue to build our communication in marriage? Should we really be able to "say anything", or is that just some romantic myth from the movies? What happens when we don't agree, or when the things that we need to talk about are difficult?
Here are some ways we've found that help us to say anything to each other:
1. Be polite. How would you say to a stranger, you boss, or your pastor, what you're about to say to your spouse?
2. Be truthful. Telling the truth doesn't mean yelling the truth.
3. Be quiet. Sometimes we can say what needs to be said without words. St. Francis of Assisi said, "Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary use words". Say what you need to say with a hug, a hand on the shoulder or a encouraging nod.
4. Be in prayer. You can even pray while you're talking to your spouse. Yes, you really *can* do two things at once.
5. Be in Christ. How can you serve your spouse in this conversation? (Ask your spouse: What do you need from me? How can I help?) How can you sacrifice in this conversation? (Ask yourself: Am I trying to win an argument, win the point, or win my spouse?)
READ: COLOSSIANS 3: 8- 17
But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him- a renewal in which there is no distinction between Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave and freeman, but Christ is all, and in all. So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom and teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.
QUESTIONS:
1. What does "saying anything" mean to you? Can we really say anything to each other in Christian marriage? If yes, how should we "say anything"?
2. How do these two statements differ:
a) "I just say whatever is on my mind."
b) "I am free to say anything in my marriage."
3. How does an attitude of thankfulness influence our communication in marriage?
4. Why is it important to let the word of Christ dwell in us? How does this affect what we say to each other?
5. Talk about one verse in the above passage and how you can practically apply it to improve communication in your marriage.
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