Who am I?

In the middle of a vigouros discussion (ok, it was probably an argument), Gary stopped talking, grabbed his jeans, pulled his driver's license out and held it up for me.

"What's this?" I said.
"Who is this on the license?" he asked.
"What are you talking about?"
"What is the name on the license?" he prodded.
"I don't get it."
"It says Gary Loop. It's me. It's your husband. I'm not someone from your past. You're not in trouble. It's me."

We were having an argument because I misunderstood what he was saying. I don't even remember what we were talking about. But, I recall thinking that he was acting like someone from my past that I didn't like very much. Once I began operating on this faulty assumption, I wrongly assigned motives to Gary, and concluded that he was trying to intentionally hurt me. It became very easy for me to tune out what he was saying to me, to stop listening to him, and to completely misunderstand our entire conversation.

Have you ever been misunderstood? Have you ever had an argument with your spouse over something that you both later discovered was a misunderstanding? Did you say things like, "I didn't mean it that way", or "You took it the wrong way!"

One of the reasons we are prone to misunderstand our spouse is because we often jump to conclusions, assign motives, ignore the context in which something is said, or filter what we hear through our individual backgrounds and previous experiences.

Here are some things to do to avoid misunderstandings:
1. Get clarification: "What I think I heard you say is...Is that right?"
2. Paraphrase what you heard: "When you said XYZ, did you mean...?"
3. Discover intentions: "Help me understand what you were thinking when you said..."

Asking questions can often help when you find yourself having a "vigorous discussion" over something you know is really a misunderstanding. You may even try Gary's little trick, and pull out your driver's license! Find your own unique and special ways to remind your spouse that you love them, and that you want what is best for them, and that her/his well-being is more important to you than being "properly understood."

READ: Mark 8:27-29 Jesus went out, along with his disciples, to the villages of Caesarea Philippi; and on the way He questioned His disciples, saying to them, "Who do people say that I am?" They told Him, saying, "John the Baptist; and others say Elijah; but others, one of the prophets." And He continued by questioning them, "But who do you say that I am?" Peter answered and said to Him, "You are the Christ."

Questions:
1. Why do you think some of the people misunderstood Jesus' identity? Has something like this ever happened to you?

2. What role does a "mistaken identity" play in misunderstandings? Do you ever think your spouse is acting like someone else?

3. Describe the last misunderstanding you had with your spouse. Did it have anything to do with assigning the wrong motives?

4. What is so important about Peter's declaration? Who do you say that Jesus is?

5. Who do you say that your spouse is? Describe what this means.

Are you going the right way?

Last Friday I was on my way to Target. I had actually never been to this particular Target before, but I was pretty sure I knew how to get there. Soon the familiar red dot encompassed by the giant red circle came into view. It was a sight almost as recognizable as the Golden Arches. I knew my destination was close by. I saw an entry way and thought about making a quick right turn. Perhaps I going too fast to negotiate the turn, perhaps I was day-dreaming, or perhaps I was just singing along with the song on the radio, but somehow I missed it! I thought to myself, "It's no big deal, I'll just take the next one." That's exactly what I did. I took the next right turn, and I found myself on the entrance to the freeway, going in exactly the wrong direction, with the gigantic red bulls eye in my rear view mirror screaming at me, "You're going the wrong way!"

Sometimes it's easy to miss your "target" and head off in the wrong direction. Often in our relationships, and in marriage, we think we know how to get there, but we end up taking wrong turns. All of a sudden we find ourselves speeding down a path we never intended to take, and the next exit in order to turn around is 20 miles away. How do we end up "going the wrong way" in marriage? Sometimes it's a result of an egregious "wrong-turn", like an affair, or an addiction, but often it's an attitude of "It's not big deal, I'll just take the next one." It is easy to take our beloved for granted, and end up missing the mark of God's best for us in marriage. Either way, here are some examples of simple "wrong turns" to avoid to prevent you from going the "wrong-way" quickly:

1. Name-calling
2. Criticism or sarcasm
3. "White Lies"
4. Gossip or slander

Maybe you and your spouse are just starting out and haven't veered off course, or maybe you have already driven past your "target" in certain areas of your relationship. The most important thing is to hone in on the true target: a marriage relationship aimed at embodying the love and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ.

READ: John 14:5-6 Thomas said to Him, "Lord we do not know where You are going, how do we know the way?" Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me."

QUESTIONS:
1. In what ways are you and your spouse "going the wrong way?" In what ways are you headed in the right direction?
2. When you find yourselves going the wrong way, how can you "turn around?" Name some steps you can take.
3. Does it surprise you that Thomas, one of Jesus' 12 disciples, had to ask Jesus, "How do we know the way?" (was he asking for directions??)
Do you think it was an important question to ask? Why/why not?
4. What does it mean for your marriage that Jesus is the way, and the truth, and the life? Name some practical ways this plays out in your relationship with your spouse, and others in your community.

Ground Rules

Last night Ned Yost, head coach of the Milwaukee Brewers (that was for you ladies :-) got ejected from the game in the 4th inning for intensely expressing his feelings to the umpire. As I watched sports highlights on the news with my husband, I heard Ned say to a reporter, "He gave me every opportunity to shut up and I just didn't take it."

I thought to myself, "How many times have I been arguing about something with Gary, and he gave me every opportunity to shut up, and I just didn't take it?"

Sometimes it's hard for me to keep my mouth shut.

One thing that helps in a conflict is to set ground rules with your spouse. Take for example what is known in baseball as a "ground rule double." All the players from both teams, coaches, and most of the fans in the stadium know that when a ball hits the field and then bounces out, or becomes unplayable, the batter goes to second base. Everyone agrees. You never see guys arguing around the mound about whether the guy should have gone to third. The rule never changes. The guy only gets to go to second.

Think about the ground rules in your marriage. And, then think about how sticking to the rules will help the game (or in this analogy, the argument with your spouse). Here are some examples:

1. No one can use the word "divorce" as a threat to win an argument
2. No one can ever resort to name calling
3. Don't talk about the argument with others (friends/family) unless you have your spouse's permission
4. No interrupting
5. No throwing heavy objects aimed at your spouse (ok, you get the idea).

And, be flexible. Ground rules in your marriage may need to be changed. Wikipedia tells me that "originally, all batted balls that cleared the fence after a bounce in fair territory or on a fly were counted as home runs. The rule was changed by the American League prior to the 1930 season, and was subsequently adopted by the National League on December 12, 1930."

So, if the rule isn't working, or doesn't make sense anymore, change it, or add new ones. Simply knowing and agreeing to the rules in advance can keep you from getting tossed from the game.

READ: Ephesians 4:26 In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

QUESTIONS:
1. What are some of your marital ground rules? Which ground rules work? Are there any that need to be changed?
2. How can you and your spouse be accountable to follow the ground rules?
3. What are some practical ways that you can express anger without sinning?
4. Do you interpret this verse literally? Is it ok to go to bed angry?
5. Why do you think the Apostle Paul warns about not giving the devil a foothold. What is it about arguments that can invite evil?